?

Log in

Numb.

I am covered in sweat, tears, and remorse. I am shaking uncontrollably, and it hurts to breathe. I do not know where this came from, but I need it to go away. I have not felt this alone in years. At this point in time, I cannot possibly fathom what it is like to be needed, to be wanted. I feel like a monster. If there was anything in my stomach, it would be gone. I am sick; every time I think about myself I feel disgusted. I am spiraling downwards, and I don't know how to ask for help. All the signs were there, I just keep missing them. Everyone does. It's all my fault. I can't show the signs in a way that makes them noticeable, but I can't come right out and ask for help. Maybe I get fix myself now. The first step to recovery is admitting the problem. I have not had to do this in years. It's been almost four years, and I am relapsing. I need you, whoever you are. Where ever you are. I am admitting it now. I am admitting that I am broken. The stitches that held me together are gone, and I should have noticed. I don't want to get that bad again. I don't want to remember. I want to fix myself. I need to fix myself. I have to get better before I suffocate. Before I fall completely apart.

I am a ticking time bomb.

I really can’t be the one that says “I told you so,” but it looks like I am, again. I am standing still, stuck in time, but everything else is changing. My life is under construction right now, and everyone else is building buildings. My chest feels as if it is going to explode any second now. My thoughts and feelings are screaming to get out, but they cannot find an escape. I have no escape. There is no way out for me. I am watching you all pass by me, and I cannot help but be envious. I am miles behind you. I cannot figure out what I want out of life. I cannot figure out where to go. I make rash decisions, and I do not know what to do. I cannot breathe. I cannot think. I cannot cry. I cannot do anything but let it all play out. I want someone to understand. Please, tell me I can cry and it will be okay; tell me that I can be put back together. Do not let me break again. Do not let me keep all this inside. Tell me to let it all out. Tell me to scream until I go hoarse. Remind me that it is okay to show emotion, and let me know why. Do not let me do this alone. Share with me. I want a two way street. I cannot be going down this road alone. I am scared that I am becoming suffocated. I realize what everyone expects from me, but is it what I want? Please, have faith in me. Hold my hand because I am at the fork in the road, and I do not know which path to take. Show me that whatever I do, I will be okay. Reassure me that it is my life, that everyone makes mistakes. Do not let me forget that I can live. Make sure I know that I can go places. Do not let me talk myself down under the ground. Do not let me close back in on myself. Show me that I am worthy of confidence. Prove to me that I am a real person. I am scared I am moving backwards. Help me go forward. 

Yesterday.

I felt as if I were a member of the upper class yesterday. I got to spend money like it meant nothing. When I walked into the high-class stores, I was treated as if I were important. For a few hours, I was the reason some people had jobs. It felt wonderful. It was a high, a high I hadn't felt before. Not even the high I get from the fancier department stores could relate. I felt as if I were on top of the world. Just for a few hours. Those were some of the happiest hours of my life. I was judged, yes, but I enjoyed it. I reached a level of confidence I'd never reached before. I couldn't stop smiling.

I wish I could go back to yesterday, sort of, yet I enjoy being here today. Today, I get to talk about yesterday. Yesterday, I could only dream about how my day would end. I guess every good thing must end so one can relive it. That makes sense, I guess. It makes more sense than being happy all the time. If one was happy all the time, they wouldn't realize it. You can't know you're happy unless you've witnessed something that makes you feel other emotions.  

I've got a situation for you.

 You're driving down the freeway, something you used to do multiple times a day, but you haven't been there in a while. You're overcome with a feeling of nostalgia. Your chest tightens, and your entire body feels like it's made of lead. What do you do? You've got so many memories between exits X and Y. You could drive that stretch in your sleep. In fact, you probably have. Sometimes you were so distracted driving down that road. You think back, and you can feel the wind in your hair, the music in your ears. You can hear someone talking, and it's almost like the good ol' days. What do you do? How do you react? Do you drive down that interstate anymore? What if something happens to you? How are you going to explain that? "I was driving and I remembered the good days" isn't a good excuse. It doesn't work. 

How do you explain it to others; how do you explain it to yourself?

Welcome to the real world.

 It's not at all what I thought it would be. People are still petty, inappropriate, and extremely judgmental. Thank you for showing me that nothing has changed. Will anything change? Probably not for a few years. I am still stuck with individuals fresh out of high school; persons who do not care for anything or anyone unless it benefits them. I am slowly becoming okay with that. I am slowly beginning to understand that it takes time to become who you really are. I am realising I will change so many times in the years to come; I won't know who I am. I don't know who I am. I shouldn't care what others think of me. I don't, well, at least not as much as I used to. There's always going to be that feeling that I need to please everyone; it's who I am. I am a people pleaser. I am seeing things differently, though. I am maturing everyday. I want to settle down. Please, be my friend for life. Please, make me feel as though I can see myself at lunch with you years from now, catching up on our lives. I want our children to have playdates. Yes, I do want children. Do I want children and a career, or do I want one or the other? That, I am unsure of. I want to live a luxurious life, but how important to me is it? Is it important enough that I don't want to share it with others? Am I going to close myself off from everyone else. No, I will not be a hermit like I once though I would. I know I am friendly, I know I am outgoing. I don't know how to show it. I am living in my shell; hello life of a turtle. Am I outgrowing this shell, though? I hope so. I know this is rambling. The structure of this is horrendous, as is the grammar. I should pay more attention, but I am just happy to get it out of my mind. I have been at a loss for words for so long, I am elated that I can write my thoughts down again. Coherency is not one of my priorities. Explanation is, but I am digressing. I might not do anything but work, attend class, and sleep, but I am okay with that. I get enough interaction during those times that I am fine without a social life, for now at least. I don't want anyone to worry. I am okay, or at least on my way to being okay. I am finding myself in life, and that's all anyone should ever want.
 Traffic soothes me the way rainforest sounds soothe others. Maybe that is why I feel so at home here, as ashamed as I am to admit it. I never did think I'd like the campus. I never thought I'd find myself making plans for the future here. I always thought I'd be away. I always wanted to be away. Now I am happy here. I was walking from Hampton Blvd toward the Webb Center, and I was looking at the street lamps and trees. The first thing that came to mind was coming back just to take pictures. When did I get to that point? When did I decide that I want to stick around? I still feel lonely. I need to be more outgoing here like I am other places. I think I might've made a friend in Algebra, and I'm working on Spanish. Philosophy, I am not sure, and English, well, I don't know if I want to be friends with the people I sit near. Is that judgmental? I mean, I know it is, but that's only human, right? 
Right now I am sitting in the Arts & Letters building, waiting for Spanish class to start and watching traffic. I feel happy, and I don't know why. 

I'm all grown up.

It feels so weird to be in college. I know I was taking classes at TCC last semester, but it's not the same. I was walking down Hampton Blvd today, and my heart swelled. I realized that I belong at ODU, not UVA. I need the urban setting. As much as I dislike the area here, I would miss it if I had left. I enjoy walking around campus and having to worry about not getting run over. I like not being able to find a parking spot. I can't explain it too well because I don't understand it yet. Hopefully I will learn as I go. Everything happens for a reason, I do know that much. 
I'd like to start this off by saying happy birthday to Jonas Charles. You'll be the most loved kid ever.
Now. On to the next topic. Another day, another dollar. I smiled a lot today, for legit reasons. No need to worry today my darling, I pulled through. Just thinking about the fact that you care puts a smile on my face. I slipped, but I didn't fall. I apologise for the scare. I know I can come to you if I need to. You've given me hope. Wisdom passed down from friend to friend. Even the saddest song can't bring me down.
Tomorrow--a future I am looking forward to. I won't forget you in the "big city."
The hot water sends chills up my spine. Yes, I am writing in the tub and typing it later. I do my best thinking in the shower. No interruptions. Stop trying to imagine it. The reality will never live up to your fantasy. This is a delicate process. Burnt toes, cold feet. Puffy eyes, runny nose. Music's up so loud I can't hear myself think. Temperature's so hot I should sweating. Sometimes I count the bricks on the wall.
If only my conversations lasted as long as my writing. I get lost in your eyes; I am sorry. I should be concentrating on someone, I mean something within my reach.
It's Thursday but feels like Friday. I am too lost in your voice.
I want to write a masterpiece. Just something for enjoyment. If I read what I wrote yesterday, I'd want to erase it. Pity is not something that suits me. I prefer other emotions. Love is my favourite. I get so sad when people throw it around.
Do you really love me? What kind of love is it?
Where do these thoughts come from? Is my brain capable of holding "important" information as well?
I'm smiling again. Thinking of you. You know who I'm talking about, my dear. If you've ever done anything to make my eyes light up, I ADORE you. Maybe even love you. My love is shown in different ways. You believe that I'm joking, right? I don't want to hurt you. I am in the mood to list people, not by names, by actions. Don't tell me if you figure it out. Show me.

1. My love, yes you are my love, I need you like I need air. I'm addicted. It began as fascination, but grew into more. I would be nothing without you. You keep my head on straight, and I will do anything in the world to keep you happy. I come apart if I don't speak to you for days at a time. You've helped make me who I am today. Je t'aime.

2. Who knew? I certainly didn't, or it would've happened sooner. I get used to seeing you everyday, and I don't know what I'd do if I didn't. I don't know how I'm going to be able to bring myself to leave. Now that you're here, I can't see you leaving.

3. I wish I could be more like you. I look up to you. You have strength. You're there for me. I honestly think I'll miss you most when I leave. I want to make you proud. You're the sister I never had.

4. I don't know why I am not ashamed to tell you things I can't admit to myself. It boggles my mind that I am willing to share my darkest secrets with you. I want to marry someone just like you. This kind of trust, I haven't felt it since I was broken by my best friend years ago. I've made it back to the top because of you.

5. I do not know why you are my confidante. You think so highly of me and my knowledge. I cannot live up to your standards, but I try my hardest. You give me a goal.

6. You'll always laugh at my stupid attempts at comedy. You're nurturing, and you'll make the best mother because you CARE. You put up with my antics. I don't see how you manage. You always look at the positive side of me.

7. I don't see how you put up with me, but I am glad you do. I smile whenever I see you. I can trust you more than anyone else. You understand, and you welcome me with open arms.


There are more than seven people that impact my daily life, but these are a few who, whenever referenced, bring a smile to my face and make me happy to be alive. I'd you think you're up there, guess. I'll be happy to tell you if you're right. You're more important than my heartbeat. Thank you.
You know how things start out magnificently but turn worse? Another one of those days.
My best friend comes home, but I have a breakdown. Of course, you'd never notice. I'm a lady in that respect. I know how to keep you out of harm's way.
I'm just numb. Cold, numb, alone. I'm beginning to pull away again.
My mood? "On-the-go 34." iPod, don't fail me now. You're all I have left. There's always someone bigger, better. Prettier, funnier. My wit is so easily replaced.
I open up, and you're gone. I don't know you enough to miss you. If you were my shrink, you'd say it was the stress of graduation plus STILL being on the wait list for UVA.
I am second guessing myself. "Am I good enough?" "Can I do this?" The question I always ask myself-- "Why can't I be more like ________?"
From the way I act, you'd never guess anything was wrong. My mask is on tight. The person who saw through me is gone. She has her own problems. Everyone does. Why do they need mine?
The princess thing is an act. I am the pauper. Pen and paper are the best things that ever happened to me.
What do I do if I fail at everything I dreamed of doing? WHAT IF I END UP ALL ALONE? You say it won't happen, but who could ever love a mess like me?
My biggest fear? BEING ALONE! I'm trying to keep it all to myself, but it hurts so much.
My hand is shaking, and my vision's blurry. My tears are going to mess up my writing. That's okay, though. They aren't worth anything. I have no talent, unless you count alienating people.
If you're still reading, I am shocked.
I don't live for the future, I barely care about the present, and the past is fading.
I am the sore thumb that comes from slamming the door. I can't even make proper analogies.
Why am I here? Do I have a purpose? Will you miss me when I'm gone? Will you even remember me?
I have a new goal : I want to be loved. Everything else is a charade. I could win an Oscar from all this acting. You're a great audience. I suck you right in.
Patrick, my love, let your voice remind me I'm not alone. I have hope, promise me that one thing. I will get through this. Although, you'll probably look at me differently now. Please don't give me sympathy. Be there for me.

First things first.

Today was a blast. I cannot think of any other word to describe it. I have not had this much fun in ages. I can honestly say that was the first time I have gone shopping with three people who chose to hang out with me. It is a great feeling.
I am on happy. I haven't been anymore than content in a while. I needed this.